Stop Trying to Convince Everyone That You Suck.
Monday, October 18, 2010 at 1:51PM 
"I don't mean to be a bother, but..."
"Hate to bug you, but..."
"Sorry for bothering you, but..."
STOP IT.
You know what really bothers me?
Women who assume they are annoying everyone they speak to. Women who apologize for their very existence every time you interact with them. Women who start every conversation with, "Sorry to bother you, but..."
Does this sound like you?
Stop apologizing and say what you want to say.
Confession: I used to do the exact thing I'm telling you to stop doing. For years, I assumed (until proven otherwise) that the person I was with was greatly annoyed by my presence.
I had to proactively destroy that habit. Every once in a while a "hate to bother you" slips out before I have a chance to squelch it.
So I know it's not easy.
But if you're serious about becoming a successful entrepreneur, you have to turn this around completely. You have to begin assuming that the person you're with feels lucky to be around you. When the person you e-mailed last week hasn't responded, you have to assume there's a reason other than "I suck and that person wishes I would leave him alone." And you have to e-mail him again, without apology.
Admit it: you think you're kind of annoying.
Why do you apologize for bothering everyone?
It's not because they don't like you. It's because YOU don't like you.
And since we all want to be right about everything, we are determined to convince everyone else that we are right about ourselves.
Have you ever caught yourself arguing with someone about yourself? They tell you they like your style and you say, "actually I just copy stuff I see in magazines." They say you're really smart and you say, "not really. I just work hard."
If you didn't think you were annoying the person you're contacting, you wouldn't be apologizing. There is something inside you that thinks other people are doing you a favor by talking to you. And that "thing" inside you is actually working to convince other people that you're right about yourself.
You are fighting to convince everyone that you suck. And the sad thing is, you're winning.
The more you act like you're "not worthy," the more other people will believe you. And then they really WILL be annoyed that you're taking up their time.
So give it up.
Fight for your greatness instead.
If you're going to work that hard to persuade other people of something, you might as well persuade them that you're awesome.
Don't you think?
What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments.
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Click here to view all previous posts in the "Bad Girls' Guide to Business" series.
Reader Comments (13)
Yepitty yep yep yep.
The hardest thing I have to do in my business is tell my clients they are undervaluing themselves. It's a belief set that's hard to overcome because they feel there's this preponderance of evidence to justify their current valuation of themselves.
I always start by telling them you MUST believe you're worth $500 an hour and start acting that way.
When I'm working with a direct seller, it's even harder, because most of them are GLAD to make $40-50 an hour, which is a fast way to go broke or stay busy living someone else's dream in direct sales.
But the minute they pull off the shackles of low valuation, something amazing happens...
All the "right clients" start appearing, WANTING to work with them.
And most of the time, they still haven't figured out it's because they ditched the "neediness" mentality and started treating themselves like they deserved better (because they do).
Lovin' the series, Traci. Another Great Post!
Guilty. And I know better.
Part of it is wanting to give due credit, and part of it is a lack of evidence of the lurking greatness. As a start, I've been practicng accepting compliments, graciously and sincerely saying "thank you" without justifying or explaining.
So where do you find the confidence and sense of worthiness in the face of rejection and little results? How do you not fall into the mindset of neediness or arrogance?
Smaller steps and ever scrap of evidence you CAN find are the foundational steps for making that shift. I call it "raising the threshold of belief" with my clients.
You begin by figuring out what you really DO believe, and building from there.
Thanks Lisa!
Lisa,
Thanks for your thoughtful response.
As you pointed out, it's important not to undervalue yourself as a solo professional. One of the keys to avoiding that is to do an objective calculation of the value of your offering. Instead of pulling numbers out of the air, calculate the benefits of your offer and then subtract the costs. What's the value of the net benefit to your client?
I think the next post in this series will be on this subject. Hopefully it will provide an additional tool for those of your clients having trouble with the valuation thing.
Kate,
Great question:
"So where do you find the confidence and sense of worthiness in the face of rejection and little results? How do you not fall into the mindset of neediness or arrogance?"
The answer is kind of complicated, but let me give it a whirl. I have a couple of thoughts on this:
1. Confidence does not mean blindness to reality. If your target buyers are consistently rejecting your offer (keep in mind it's your offer they're rejecting, NOT you), it's important to figure out why. Do you have a value problem (the thing costs more than it's worth), a sales problem (trouble communicating the value of your offer), or maybe even a client problem (choosing the wrong group of buyers to target)? Whatever it is, keep improving your offer and tracking the results so you can figure out what DOES work and do more of that.
2. As far as the neediness/arrogance thing, this is where the "180" in "180 Journey" becomes really important (see http://180journey.com). It's about getting out of your own head and viewing your offer through the eyes of your buyer. Try to see the world the way your buyers do and re-evaluate your offer in that light. Treat it like a logic problem: what do you need to change in order to get where you want to be? When you look at it that way, there is no way to be overly needy or arrogant. The point of the above post is to make sure you're not sabotaging yourself as you're rolling out your offer and revising to suit your market's needs - not to become so arrogant that you no longer understand or care what your BUYER actually needs.
Hope this helps. More to come in a future post.
Guilty as charged. I am really good at thinking, convincing and demonstrating how much I suck. and it is really really hard to undo all that. Why isn't my blog up? ('cause I think my writing sucks, I suck, etc.) Why is my business site down? Because I have no clue how to value what I do. Many clients I've had in the past, well, sucked ... I attracted them, though. I need to really dig deep and go back and figure out how to free myself of this bs thinking and just get my ass out there.
I like how you "calculate" value, Traci. Makes sense ... a discerning eye turned on to what I offer can certainly help take the drama and pain out of all this. Because it really is simple ... why make life and work hard when it really can be easy and joyful?
Great series!!! Lori
Traci - great message and I can certainly be guilty of this as well. I believe I can come across this way more frequently in written form versus verbal due to all of the things you miss out on in an email or a letter. Voice inflection, pauses, a little laugh, whatever it is that can change the entire tone of a verbal conversation vs a written one. I will keep your message in mind - thanks!
Holy crap.
What a wake up call. I think I even apologized at CIP several times. I hear myself doing it all the time, and when I do, I hear my mother's voice. She still does it---I know I can't blame my mother for everything, but....this? Oy. Pretty safe to say I do it daily. Thanks for the tips, and it's good to know that even a confident person like you caves and falls into the trap sometimes!
erin @ the mother load
http://abbyandizzysmom.blogspot.com
@erinlynn76
I think this is a pretty Canadian thing to do. We tend to be polite to a fault. For example, if we make accidedntal contact with another person, we will reflexively apologize, even if they were the one who bumped into us. One time, I was with my sister at a coffee shop. She took a step backward and bumped into a magazine rack. She flicked her head and spouted a quick "sorry" before I started laughing at her for apologizing to an inanimate object. It's like we somehow feel guilty for taking up space or even breathing.
Thanks for the elaboration, Traci.
Doh! That collapsing of offer & self -- ouch. Thanks for bringing perspective and logic and a sense of direction to the emotional swamp.
I downloaded the 180 e-book a couple of weeks ago. Guess it's time to read it. ;)
Have I said thank you enough for this great #badgirlbiz series?
Traci,
Great post and a topic that some might apologize in advance for writing, rather than just having the courage to write it like you did. Awesome! I can certainly count myself among the women who have apologized for this, that or the other in business and it's very unbecoming. It's not something you hear men doing. Does it have to do with the fact that women are raised to speak when spoken to and to be polite and no demanding, and men are taught to fight for what they want and speak their mind? I could get on a soapbox, but will refrain.
Emerging entrepreneurs have the greatest battle when it comes to confidence and reaching out without feeling like they are "bothering" someone they admire. Everyone has to start somewhere, and at one point in time their role models where at ground zero too. If the apology is a front to their fear, which I suspect it most often is, then they need to face those fears head-on. Attitude leads to action, so your self-worth better be in alignment with your goals or you will never achieve them. Women must see the value they have to offer the world and develop the courage to share it.
Great post and a topic that some might apologize in advance for writing, rather than just having the courage to write it like you did. Awesome! I can certainly count myself among the women who have apologized for this, that or the other in business and it's very unbecoming. It's not something you hear men doing. Does it have to do with the fact that women are raised to speak when spoken to and to be polite and no demanding, and men are taught to fight for what they want and speak their mind? I could get on a soapbox, but will refrain.
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