In Praise of All Moms (an anti-guilt trip)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009 at 3:53PM "Dr. Laura" is at it again. In her latest book, In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms (which could actually be called "A Criticism of Working Moms"), she complains that working moms just don't feel guilty enough about leaving their kids with paid childcare providers (you can check out an excerpt here):
There used to be a guilt factor about parenting your own kids versus paying someone else to. Guilt is not the motivator it used to be, as folks have shifted from “should” to “feel like/or not.” These days, the “feely” answer usually wins out.
I will spare you all of my thoughts about Dr. Laura (since it would take you all day to read them) and just directly address her statement about guilt.
In Dr. Laura's perfect world, mothers would feel too guilty to work outside the home. They would feel so guilty about leaving their kids with a childcare provider that they would instead become stay-at-home moms and "benefit from the joy of motherhood." That's right - she thinks that moms who want to work, but instead stay home out of guilt, would actually be joyful about their situation.
I'm trying very hard here to remain professional and not say something childish (such as, for example, "Dr. Laura is an idiot"). So how can I put this? Dr. Laura fails to understand that not everyone shares her view of the world, and that she does not have the moral high ground simply because she claims to. Oh, and she's wrong.
I believe that children benefit from having parents who find fulfillment in what they do - whether they work full-time, stay home full-time, or work out some other arrangement. A miserable stay-at-home mom isn't doing anyone any good. Nor is a working mom who feels horribly guilty about her choice (if she actually has a choice) to work outside the home.
I suggest that when a mom is feeling guilty about something she's not doing (staying home, for example), she consider thinking about what she is doing (providing for her family). Why shouldn't that mom feel proud of herself for what she's giving to her family?
No mother can be all things to her kids - so why not take pride in what we are able to do?
When it comes to praising moms, as Dr. Laura claims to be doing, let's give praise where it's due: not only to stay-at-home moms, but to all moms doing their best to raise happy, healthy children.
What do you think? What are you most proud of as a mother?
p.s. "Dr." Laura's Ph.D. is in physiology (not psychology or psychiatry or anything that relates to giving the type of advice she offers). Not sure how that's relevant to this particular post, but thought you should know.
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Reader Comments (4)
I think Dr. Laura's statement about guilt reveals her paleo-conservative viewpoint that women are best qualified for staying at home.
The "guilt" issue is relevant: as adults and in particular as parents, we're supposed to do whatever is best for our families and our children. So conscientious adults feel some guilt whenever they aren't acting in their families' best interests.
The meaning of "best interests" varies socially and personally, and it is here that Laura's reactionary worldview becomes known. Put simply, Laura believes that the best interests of the family are for the woman to stay home. According to Laura, women who don't stay home are necessarily putting their own needs before their family, and thus should feel guilty.
Of course, Laura's absolutist traditional view is not supported by empirical evidence. There are families which are better off when both parents work: for instance, most members of the working poor simply could not survive without two incomes. There are also families which are better off when one parent works. And sometimes, that one working parent should be the mother.
For instance, one of my former co-workers married a guy with a blue collar job. After having a couple kids, they realized that their financial situation worked out better if one of them stayed home to raise the kids. Since her salary was four times larger than his, it wasn't particularly difficult to decide which of them would be the breadwinner.
Now is Laura seriously suggesting that my co-worker's family would have been better off if the husband had gone to work instead of the wife? Under what distorted logic would the family be better off with 25% of the income, just to have someone with girl-parts at home instead of someone with boy-parts?
My co-worker should not feel guilty: like a responsible parent, she's doing what is best for her family and her children, and in her case that involves going to work. Similarly, other breadwinner moms should not feel guilty either. And Dr. Laura should introduce herself to the 21st century, where sometimes women are better providers than their husbands, and sometimes men are better primary caregivers than their wives.
Only a complete fool would place ideology before his or her family's well-being.
Dear "Nameless" -
Wow. Thank you so much for your smart and totally dead-on comment. I hope you will continue to visit here and contribute your thoughts whenever possible!
Traci
I agree with you. I have been in both positions with my children. Staying at home with them gave me fullfillment in many ways, but also when I had to work, I knew I was doing so to provide them with their basic needs-food and shelter. The right answer is a happy mom is a better mom.
Dr. Laura is entitled to her point of view. My only hope is that she does not unduly influence any one else based on guilt. Let's face it, parenting is a free-style event and one size certainly does not fit all. Mothers (and fathers) continuously make decisions and trade-offs to balance child-care and making a living, particularly in this difficult economy. No one should be made to feel guilty based on another person's experience. In our family, my husband is much happier working part-time from home and I happen to generate a larger income. I am also much happier working outside the home, and I deeply believe that when Mom & Dad are happy, the children are better off. I don't think our home would be nearly as happy as it is if I were the one resentfully slogging the children to playdates. My mother stayed home, out of guilt, for 18 years. For the majority of this time, she was clinically depressed - sleeping most of the day and mentally absent when awake. When she went back to work, she quite simply blossomed as a human being because she had purpose and an opportunity to apply her intellect meaningfully. As an adult child, I can honestly say that I would have preferred that she worked and had the opportunity to become the person she is today two decades earlier.
My personal cynicism leads me to believe that Dr. Laura is mining the ambivalence & guilt that lurks in the hearts of mothers of any persuasion ... stay-at-home or working -- in order to sell books. There is, as I read in "Tuesdays With Morrie" a perpetual "tension of opposites" in life which pulls you between two valid desires to work and stay home.
Working mothers with many more years in the trenches than I, have explained that parenthood is a constant juggle. The system of balance which works today may need to change tomorrow. To all mothers and fathers I would say this: Do the best you can. Remain flexible and open minded. Enjoy the upsides of your present situation and be as happy as you can for yourself and your children.
Above all, Live and let live. Parenting is not a competitive sport and there isn't a right or wrong family structure based on one person's model. And to Dr. Laura ... I offer a Bronx cheer ... not because of her point of view, but because she's so mean spirited about it and no one needs the guilt.