Breadwinner Moms, This Blog's For You
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 at 2:28PM I have to be honest. I am the sole breadwinner in my family (my husband's a stay-at-home dad), and I am exhausted. I'm thrilled that my 1-year-old daughter Carly doesn't have to go to day care, I'm overjoyed that's she's being cared for by her father, and I am also so stressed out it's ridiculous.
The economy has a lot to do with my current stress level. My previously full-time job has been cut back to part-time due to the recession. I'm trying to figure out how to make up for the missing income and I'm terrified that I won't be able to. I'm obsessing about our budget and thinking non-stop about money. It really sucks.
In college I majored in Women's Studies, volunteered at the rape crisis center, and founded the women's rights group on campus. I read Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique and was determined never to be one of those bored, lonely, stay-at-home moms who never got the chance to fulfill their potential. I have achieved that goal.
But lately I've been wondering about the husbands of the women Betty Friedan wrote about. It seems like maybe they didn't have it so great either. I'm not saying the 50's housewives should have been happy with their situation - seriously, I'm not saying that. What I am trying to convey (and those of you who are the primary breadwinners in your families already know this) is how incredibly difficult and stressful it is to be responsible for the financial well-being of an entire family.
According to the news, there are more breadwinner moms now than ever, so I know I'm not alone. I'm hoping this blog allows me to connect with other moms in my situation, and that together we can talk about working, starting a business, parenting, marriage - you know, the important stuff.
So if you're up for it, I invite you to come along for the ride. This blog's for you.
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Reader Comments (13)
As a stay at home mom for 4 sons, it is incredibly hard and stressfull. you tend to put everyones needs before your own and sometimes get very resentful, especially when you cannot control the situation. you only want the best, do your best, and by the end of the day, you are completely depleted. As long as you both are happy- don't even worry what other people think.
Hey Traci,
I am so with you on this. I have been the "breadwinner" for a long time, and I am also trying not to even focus on the economy and what that could do to the income I have worked so hard to create. I was able to stay home for two years (ran a couple of businesses from home) and loved it enough that ,yes, I want to go back. Of course my husband was there doing the cooking cleaning and laundry so maybe I wasn't a real SAHM:)
Hi Denise,
Thanks for posting! It's definitely hard to stay focused on the positives when everything around us seems so negative right now. Congratulations to you for running your own businesses and supporting your family - I wish you all the best.
-Traci
My husband is a stay-at-home dad as well. He works mostly on the weekends, so Monday through Friday, childcare duties are all his, and I go to work. I think one of the most difficult things to come to terms with is that after a long day at work, you still have to be 'on' until the baby goes to bed. And you can't fault your husband for needing a break since he's been taking care of the baby all day...it's a hard balance to find. I have yet to find it.
Cool blog Traci, I can certaily relate to the balancing act of being a working mom!
Being a nurse, I knew a job awaited me after the kids were older.-----none the less as a stay at home mom for 8 years , I was too busy to fall victim to Betty Friedan's, "The Feminine Mystique"----we do a great dis-service to all mom's, working or stay at home, to try to make one better than the other-----we all need to do some good honest soul searching to decide what we, as mothers, feel is in the best interest of our children-----for me it was to stay at home unitl they could manage some of their care-----but being a working mom is no less a mom than the path I chose----I had to fit my temperment, personality and character into that decision to say at home-----having said all this, it was a good decision because I became a gormet cook proving exciting, beautiful and delicious meals for my famliy and friends----as a result of that, both my sons are very good cooks-----as busy as I was, I was able to develop my creative side----I taught myself how to decorate cakes, that I baked from scratch, sew, embroider, make quilts that I designed and eventually sold in stores-----so you see, staying at home allowed me to turn these self-taught skills into monetary gains for me and my family, supplimenting Mr. Bill's income----it wasn't until the boys were old enough to do for themselves that I had time to think about "myself"----and when I did, I went back to school, climbed the ladder from licensed practical nurse to registered nurse-----It may be helpful to realize that one has to re-invent themselves many times throughout their lifetime, but once the kids leave home, we all do that, ie, from 24-7 mom to friend and advisor----our entire life is one long evolutionary process-----and the stay at home dad is a cultural/ideological milestone-----follow your bliss my precious Traci----you will always have my support and love.
GREAT STUFF TRAC! INSIGHT INTO ANOTHER PERSON'S LIFE AND SOUL IS A GIFT. THANKS FOR GIVING. I'LL BE BACK. KEEP WRITING...I'LL KEEP READING!
Thanks for sharing... good luck and keep your head up!
OMG, your blog is a godsend. I've been the sole provider for 9 of my 14 years of marriage. My kids are 2 and 4. I commute an hour to work each way and sometimes the stress of balancing it all is overwhelming. My husband stays home with the kids and has no outside job. We have the kids on a late schedule so that I can spend more time with them (10-10), but that means I start my day at 6 AM and don't get to bed for myself until 11 PM. My only downtime is commute time. But I know he needs a break when I get home as well. Sometimes I get resentful and wish that I could be the one to stay home with them. Sometimes I feel so alone in this situation since I am the only one of my friends as a sole breadwinner. Even the other women who I know have stay at home dads, their husbands have some other outside job. It's just nice to know I'm not alone in this. Thanks!
Hi Wendy -
I'm so glad you found my blog! You are not alone. Reading your comment, I feel like I know you even though we've never met. Just remember you are doing an amazing thing providing for your family, and that your feelings (sometimes resentful, sometimes lonely, sometimes overwhelmed) are totally normal. If you're on Twitter, I encourage you to connect with me there (I'm @tracilove). Also, check back here at the blog from time to time - I'm going to launch a newsletter and forums soon just for breadwinner moms and I'd love for you to participate.
Take care and take pride in what you're doing for your family -
All the best,
Traci
So, I have been the breadwinner for over 5 years now. My husband is a stay at home dad and I have 3 children.... the youngest is under 5 years old. He does a good job at home, but he get's so bored and wants me to be there for him all the time. I hold an executive position at my job and it requires a lot of hands on work and I am unavailable to talk to him often, and I am also unable to do much more except for my duties here at work for the first 6 hours or so of my day. He feels that I am making my job more of a priority over him. First of all i feel that I am making my family my priority by working hard, making good money and giving them everything they need and most of what they want. It doesn't ever seem to be enough. He wants me to be able to drop what I am doing and talk to him when he wants to talk. He wants me to be able to handle bills and other things while I am here, and has no patience if it doesn't get done quickly.
By the time I get home, I am tired but stil try and do what I can in helping him out in the house and taking the young one off of his hands. He wants more time for himself... That leaves only really late hours to do that. It is never enough! he is fighting me for time every single day! Grrrrr, I don't know what to do about it!
Dear "Frustrated" -
First I want to let you know that I completely understand your frustration. It's really tough when you feel like you're doing all that you can, and yet it's not enough. But it sounds like your husband is unhappy and expects you to fix that for him (which is impossible). If he's bored, he should try something new - whether it's an activity for him & the kids, a hobby, an online class, or even a small home business. If he's lonely, he has to try to meet some new people and/or reconnect with old friends. When it comes to this stuff, you can make suggestions to your husband but you can't force him to change. The important thing is for you to let go of feeling responsible for his loneliness/boredom. Those things aren't your fault.
Your husband's complaint that you are prioritizing your job over him seems kind of unfair. During working hours, you really don't have much of a choice. Barring a family emergency, you are expected to work while you are at work. He has to know that on some level. And if he wants you to work less, he has to come up with some way to offset your reduced income.
As far as your husband wanting more time for himself, that's understandable. The problem is that you can't do much more than you're already doing. Maybe he could get a babysitter for a few hours each week so he has some time to himself?
And as far as the "fighting for time" thing - I've been there. The best solution I can see is to sit down with your husband and create a schedule that you both can agree is fair. The schedule should accommodate your job, your husband's responsibilities, time with the kids for each of you, and personal time for each of you.
I hope some of this advice is helpful and wish you all the best. Stay strong and remember that you can only do so much. It sounds like you're giving your all, and that's all you can do.
Warmly,
Traci
Hi Traci
I stumbled upon your blog and am so glad that I stayed long enough to read and post.I certainly relate to thousands of moms out there who share a common goal...to provide for their families.I was a stay at home mom for 16 years and thought that the privilege of being at home was the best part of my life until fate dealt me a cruel blow.I became a widow and had to find a job overnight.My journey thus far has been a series of learning experiences .The most important lesson I have learnt is that no matter which side of the economic sector you live in,death is an equalizer.The pain , depression and despair is the same for each and every survivor.
To all the breadwinner moms...I salute you!